Relationship Necessities

Are you waiting for the right person to come into your life? You know that special person that will meet your expectations and ideals? Be honest with yourself. Do you desire a certain height, hair color, body style, language, skin color, or other physical attribute?

You may be surprised to learn that you are only 0.1% different genetically from any other human[1], or that you are only 1.2% different from your closest living relative - the chimpanzee [2].

Yes, most people have the same basic needs and wants in life, with very little differences. In truth, most people need to feel loved and want to be happy. It is only a small difference in how each gets what they need and want in life.

If you do not like who they are as they come to you, it may be that your dream relationship may not be entirely well thought out. Perhaps in your dreams you have come to have expectations or ideals and of course if you do, they will never be met, as they are only your fantasy and not a reality.

There needs to be, in any relationship, a great desire for a relationship to begin and of course a reason to have a relationship continue to be. A purely physical relationship is never enough. Any relationship needs substance to sustain for any length of time.

It is important to want to be with the other person. To simply sit and listen to them speak, without the need to interrupt for any or no reason. You should want to hear what they have to say, more than that of your own voice, or to give them your own opinion - all with the patience of an owl sitting on a limb below a starlit night sky.

To sit and watch them perform the most mundane task - combing their hair, enjoying a meal, or walking away or toward you.

You should want to make them smile and watch them laugh. To make them feel that they are all that you need - in just the way that they are - and not what you wish them to be. If you feel the need to change them or something about them - you do not want them - you only want them to become what you want. If you are demanding, and unwilling to accept what is or what the future holds, you almost certainly going to be disappointed.

To have expectations and ideals concerning a relationship partner, will only invite disappointment and prevent you from accepting others just as they are. To not be accepting, you lose the richness of that 1.2% difference than can prove to be quite invaluable - what another can bring to the relationship that you may need and want - perhaps not at the moment - but at some point in the future. You will miss out on what they can provide when it is needed. What they can share with you when you want it.

It serves no purpose to disagree with others, when they state how they feel - to disagree with someone about their feelings will often be considered an insult to them. If they feel that you said something that they find to be insulting to them, and you disagree with them, you only add to the problem. Listen to them when they tell you that they are hurt or feel insulted. Whether you meant to be insulting or not makes no matter - to the individual their thoughts and feelings will be of utmost importance to them - and should be to you. They are making every attempt to be sincere and you should understand the importance of their sincerity.

If your actions or acts of insincerity hurt others, they will not want to be with you, let alone be your friend. Accept their feelings and attempt to find out what was said that made them feel the way they do. Then move to correct your approach if you want to have a sincere relationship with them.

And, yes, there will be times when the other person's actions hurt you. If it is your desire to be in a relationship with them, then it is your turn to show your sincerity and let them know that their words or actions hurt you. Remember, that running away from your problems or the other person's problem never solves anything - other than to create pain for both individuals.

If you continue to insist that others say and act only as you want them to, then neither of you will be happy. Love is unconditional and to create conditions, to be controlling or manipulative in order to attempt others to be the person you need or want them to be, will be seen as a negative insult to their desire to be just who they are. It sends the message that they are not needed, unwanted and undesirable.

Be yourself, but only when it is positive for both individuals and not a one sided game where you are the only winner and right no matter what. No one likes to play games in a relationship for long. Be happy but not at the expense of others.

[1] Understanding Human Genetic Variation
[2] Genetics of the Chimpanzee

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